Confessions of a former teenager

When I was nineteen years old I was living a pretty rough lifestyle.  There was a lot of partying, drinking and all around doing things Jehovah’s Witnesses shouldn’t do.  There was also the small matter of boys and one particular boy I had a massive crush on.  He was one of those boys girls like me don’t even get a glance from and yet he called and asked and wooed and kissed and made me feel like a beautiful princess.

I felt this way up until the day I told him I was eight weeks pregnant.  I had the typical nineteen year old dreams of marriage and babies and living happily for the rest of our lives.  He, however, had different plans which did not include me or the baby.

I was five months pregnant when I was involved in a horrific car accident.  I was the passenger in a Toyota 4Runner that rolled down the off ramp on highway 101.  We landed on the roof of the SUV, I was hanging from the belt and knocked unconscious, to make a list of injuries it was: broken ribs, punctured lung, concussion, and a spleen that was ruptured. 

I am sure you all know what happened next, there was a choice that had to be made and as much as it pains me to say this, I didn’t make it.  They choose to save me instead of the baby, he never took a breath but will forever be a part of me.

In those five months from being crazy and wild to being a passanger in that car I grew up about ten years, I had someone else to worry about. 

While packing for Seattle, throwing things out and sorting through endless boxes of written notes and reports I found the box of baby clothes I had shoved in the back of my closet.  I’ve decided to take it with me, not because I am going to have a baby anytime soon, but because there are some things I am just not ready to part with.

I guess the point of this story isn’t for sympathy or pity but simply to say that paths are made to lead us where we are today.  I don’t think losing a child lead me to the path I am at, I certainly wouldn’t have choosen loosing him for a nursing degree in Washington.  But this is where I am and there are things that you can no longer regret or else you will not survive. 

Getting to the point of survival has been the hardest battle, there were times when I didn’t think I could, there was a brief 72 hour period where I was placed in an institution to recover.  There are days when the heaviness of what happened overcome me, but I seem to trudge through it, don’t really know how, but the days get better.

They do get better.

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~ by Kim on August 14, 2008.

4 Responses to “Confessions of a former teenager”

  1. Wow Kim, you were blessed with unbelievable strength. ALways remember that God never gives us more than we can handle.

    *Hugs*

  2. Kim, I had no idea. I’m so sorry that you went though all that crap. As for the jerk that didn’t stick by you, I want to kick him where the sun don’t shine.

  3. Tomorrow, marks 19 years since I lost my baby at 20 weeks pregnant. Nothing particular caused it …my body wouldn’t take the pregnancy and allow her to grow. We already knew she was a girl, we’d found out 3 days before. 3 days, we named her …and then she died. That fast.

    This .. is the first year that I’ve been cognizant of that day … and not going through the week as a zombie ..that I’m acknowleging that Jessica Dawn Eagler meant something to me, was a part of me, and shattered a part of my soul when she left. I’m not disappearing into nothingness for a whole week this year. I’m staying present ..even if tears fall … This year, I’m honoring her brief life even though I was the only one who felt her move … other than the occassional kicks my husband got to feel …

    This year … she’s honored as a life that was precious, because it was.

  4. PK, thank you…and I am glad things are better for you, I’m sorry for your loss, my friend.

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